Misunderstanding OK so don't let this sound down or depressing but i have simply become the most disconnected person to my emotions that its getting a bit worrisome. I had a best friend, she was my everything. We shopped together, talked together, there wasn't a thing in the world that i felt i needed to hide from her. I felt almost privileged to have such a great friend. The day came when i knew my life was going to have a huge turning point. Things were staring to get a little different, weird almost. My best friend wasn't there anymore. She began to fall deeper and deeper into a slew of unwanted needs. I knew that there was nothing I could do and that saying something about it would just give me even more problems than it was worth to speak up a little. I did what I could to make this life style change, to almost clear my head of anything i knew wasn't right. This took a huge toll on me emotionally. Eating became a game where i would not touch food for the hopes that my best friend would notice and ask me what was wrong. She never really sat down and asked for a real conversation. She made it a chore about her and she still went about doing as she still did everyday. I know she knew i wasnt okay and it really hurt. My friend then got cough. I knew it was coming the whole time. I didn't want to accept what had happened or what was about to happen. The look in dads eyes told me to hold on tight because the next little while was going to be hard. Yes dad which I guess leads you to believe that this "best friend" is my mother, and yes she left me, she left us, she left the family. Time went by and I grew stronger than I ever had intentions of being. I became a shield to the pain. It never hit me but i was worried that i couldn't feel the pain. Life got a little better and things started to snap back into place. Mom was being around me more and she knew she had hurt me and the family. I was worried every damn day she walked out our door that I wouldn't see her again but she continued to keep coming back so maybe she was back for real. Life was great for about 14 months then the lifeless-ugly-lowlife-home wrecker stepped in to play. Mom wasn't there anymore, and this time no matter how hard I kicked and screamed and fought for her, she didn't care. I was feel so alone. I don't believe in regrets or wishes to change the past. I think that things make a person who they really are and that i was meant to live that lesson. I just wish it came a little easier on me. I wish that it didn't effect me in the long run. I miss you mom but I didn't get to choose what happened at the end of this chapter. I just turned the page and I am not going back to it. People come and go in your life, I am just trying to figure out why mine was mom. Its okay mom i forgive you. I just wont forgive the pain......and im sorry for you.

So this is love

I am begging to find it all a little funny, to go from being so lonely and unhappy to becoming this totally different person all at once. I never thought I would see my self caring for another human (out side of close friends and family of course) as much i do. Its all so inevitable to me that I can be so perfectly and contently in love with someone. I wake up with a sudden reach of my phone to see if he has text me. My love. This important text can also very much determine how my day is going to go because it can make or break my day. A simple comment such as "you look beautiful" or "hi my love" can send my emotions to the stars and back. A kiss on the forehead creates a burning sensation in my chest and sends the chills up and down my spine, cheesy right? I almost laugh at the pathetic part of it all. Do i even know what love like this is? Do i even experience a love like this a such a young age of my life? About two years ago I would never have seen my self acting and living in this current life style. It almost comes to me as embarrassing that I can be so emotionally, physically, and sexually attracted to one person. To be so honest it scares me to a point where I choose not to make my self so venerable and open with him and close off a lot of little tiny parts of me he still doesn't know. Sadly I am positive i know all i can about him, with or without is help of telling me. Here is the real thing though, is it bad that i may like the attention I can get from others besides him? Sure i have lots of boy friends that come and go, none of which i am interested in. I do like the attention I get when they say that they would love to date me and selfishly ask why I am dating him. Potentially i feel as if I am doing something so very wrong that its almost cheating. I would never want to give up on what I have with this boy. I am scared to talk about how truthfully in love with him I am. I don't tell people about are little secrets are the hikes we choose to go on, I don't mention our adventures we go on where we laugh endlessly and wish the clock would stop for just a little while. I am laughing at myself right now. I honestly think this is pathetic that I am so crazy about him.

Baby you make my heart beat faster
I love you forever.

Broken

So i suppose everyone has something they choose to focus on in their life time, be a dancer, play a professional sport, act, sing, create something great in the world. Is it wrong for me to say and i guess announce that i am 19 years old an i am still clueless on what i want to be or what i am good at for that matter. I danced and I stopped, I played sports and I quit, I took up some sort of activity to fill the void of actually not being good at something and I tried, I really did try to make it a hobby but some how I always manage to stop or give up. Its getting really aggravating that i cannot find something to make a difference in this world or even entertain my self. I can draw, but does that count for anything? Art is an amazing talent but its more something i do on the side lines. So i guess there is one thing i am good at. Realistically i am never going to get anywhere with drawling as my life time achievement. My dad says that I am a good person, meaning I have a big heart, put others before me, and blah blah blah. Dads are suppose to say that right? Up lift your spirits and make you feel like your the world. Dont get me wrong, i love you dad but i need to find something on my own. I wake up everyday and i somehow always manage to run into someone who is great at something and actually going to move forward in this world. So i guess what i am getting at here is i really need to find my hidden talent, my life time achievement, what i was meant for. Its really getting depressing that i have been searching for this one thing for as long as i can remember. I am hoping that with in the next little while i can find what i am destined to do. I guess what i am saying here is.....wish me luck for the best.

Send To Phone